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Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Optimism nullifying pessimism!

For last two hours, I was thinking of going to submerge myself into the sea: reason was sudden sense of nihilism in tenets of life.  I had flunked my engineering exam in the very first semester.  Failing an exam was something that I had never been familiar with. I had been a brilliant student throughout my academic career. But today when the results came out for the first semester, I was crestfallen. A thunderbolt struck me when I saw one ‘F’ in front of my name.

And since then, I had left the college campus, gulped down two bottles of beers and smoked some grass. I had thought that these would give me courage to end my life, a life that was now christened as a life of a failure.

I was bereft of any positive thinking in life. I was thinking that I had let down my family. I was thinking that how I would face my family, which was so proud of my academic excellence, with the rotten report card of first semester.  

I was of the view that I had worked really hard and despite that I had failed. I was in the questioning mode. I was asking God as to why did he fail me, only to make fun of me before my parents and the society. I was bereft of all faith in the hard graft.  Since my childhood, it was ingrained in me that hard work is the key to the success. You take care of the hard work and the hard work will take care of the upshot.  And this is the result that god had given me after all the hard work. The re-exam felt like an ignominy for me.

Thinking that God had let down me, I was hell-bent on ending my life. I inched closer to the deeper zones of the see.  As I was going far from the shore, I was going more down in the sea. One moment came when my lips were submerged and I had to trample my fear that was advising me against drowning. But I decided against the advice.

I submerged my nose and head full in the water. But after submerging myself, I started feeling suffocated and started to wiggle and wriggle. In that moment, I wanted to be alive, I was struggling for breath but all I was getting was just filthy water of the sea. I was trying hard to take myself up on the sea level but the strong undercurrent of the sea was pulling me down.

Now I was thinking of giving one more chance to my studies, now I was feeling comfortable with the idea of taking the re-exam, now I was full of courage to face the smirks of my classmates. The sudden calamity had changed the direction of my thinking and filled me with the vigor to fight for the life ahead. But what a dichotomy it was, when my mind was sinking in dejection, my body was on the shore and now when my mind was floating on the sea of optimism and hope, my body was sinking in the sea.

I badly wanted to be alive. I badly wanted to give one more serious chance to my studies and exams.
Suddenly, I felt a thrust from the wave within the sea and in a few seconds I was lying on the sandy beach with the body drenched with water and mind soaked with optimism of a new life.